Relationships aren’t always a bed of roses. The truth is that a relationship requires lots of effort, communication, and even sacrifice, but sometimes, no matter how hard someone tries, there are certain qualities the partner possess that make them unattractive.

These traits are not always obvious but we tend to start noticing them later on. The thing is that once we see them, it’s hard to unsee them, which leads to looking at our partner with different eyes.

As per the BBC, this is known as “the ick,” a word added to the Cambridge Dictionary in 2024, to the surprise of many, we must say.

It also refers to being attracted to some of our partner’s traits at the start of our relationship – “fatal attraction” – and then disliking those same characteristics.

“It doesn’t mean fatal in the sense of deadly, but fatal as in the sense of prophetic,” says Diane Felmlee, a social psychologist from Penn State University in the US.

“I like to think of it as having ‘too much’ of an attractive quality,” she says. “Disenchantment with a partner can occur even when people get what they want, and perhaps because they get what they want.”

In this article, we’ll explore some of the most unattractive qualities in a partner.

1. Dishonesty

Being dishonest is one of the quickest ways to become unattractive to a romantic partner.

Relationships should be built on trust, and even the “small” lies every now and then can eventually erode the relationship.

Studies have found that those who feel they have been lied to by their partner, whether it’s about big things or small things like plans and preferences, start feeling less intimacy and more conflict.

So, lying doesn’t just affect feelings but changes the way partners see each other. Once the trust is broken, the partner starts questioning every other action. This can lead people to be less open, less sharing, and less interested in decision-making.

Even those lies that are intended to “shield” feelings can have the opposite effect, signaling a lack of respect and honesty. Honestly, even when it’s painful, fosters security, intimacy, and respect, things that are much more attractive than a good story or a while lie.

2. Selfishness

Selfishness is a huge turn off in a relationship. This is because every person out there wants to feel as if their feelings and needs are important, so when the partner acts selfishly, it leads to frustrations and tensions.

Research show that when a partner is selfish, whether in terms of always deciding what to do on the behalf of the other person, never compromising, or never considering the other person’s emotional needs, the satisfaction in the relationship drops significantly.

The thing is that selfishness doesn’t need to be obvious to be hurtful. It can be in small ways such as always talking and rarely lending a helping hands, or simply always taking without giving. Eventually, the other person starts feeling as though they are insignificant and not supported emotionally.

A relationship can only be healthy when both partners are kind and able to compromise.

3. Insecurity

Insecurity in a relationship can quietly suck the life out of it. When a relationship is filled with jealousy, possessiveness, and the constant need of reassurance, the other person can find it hard to feel connected.

Trust and feeling secure are essential for satisfaction within a relationship, and when a person feels uncertain about themselves or about their partner, even small issues can escalate into large conflicts.

People who are secure in their own skin are generally more attractive and make the relationship lighter, more liberated, and more fun for both people involved in it.

4. Control Freak

Demanding behaviors such as “Don’t wear that” or “Who were you talking to” may cause the other person feel suffocated.

These behaviors, whether it’s controlling decisions, interactions, or independence, can destroy trust and emotional intimacy, and may actually push partners away instead of attracting them to each other.

Healthy relationships are built on respect and autonomy. Supporting each other and giving each other space is what brings people together, while controlling behaviors bring people apart. People are naturally drawn to those who give them freedom and respect, rather than trying to control and limit them.

5. Bad financial habits

I don’t really think it would come as a surprise if we say that money can make or break a relationship, and it’s not much about the amount of them as much as how one manages their finances when they are in a relationship.

In fact, research suggest that arguments about money issues, such as excessive spending or making poor financial decisions, rank among the leading sources of stress within a relationship. At the same time, making secret purchases or trying to conceal debt can lead to breaking the trust between the partners.

Financial compatibility doesn’t mean that both partners make the same amount of money, it just means they are on the same page when it comes to spending.

Those partners who are open about their finances, share financial goals, and are considerate of each other’s spending habits are usually more connected.

6. Jealousy

“Jealousy […] can feel confining because it becomes controlling,” says Susan Trombetti, who’s behind Exclusive Matchmaking. “It’s hard to be yourself if this green-eyed monster constantly emerges. It could be jealousy over your career, your finances, or every single person who walks by. This is just too much. I say ditch the person over it.”

Yes, jealousy can really bring a relationship down. While a little bit of jealousy is to be expected, when it gets the best out of a partner, that’s when all the fun fades away.

7. Lack Of Ambition

Lack of ambition can be a serious issue, and if you’ve ever been in a relationship with such a person, you know all to well what I’m talking about.

When you deal with such a person, you can even spot that on the first date if the person has troubles answering basic questions about their work or ambitions. And trust me, this only gets more and more apparent as time goes by.

However, how much of a problem that will be to you depends on what you are looking for in a partner. If you are happy with someone who’s not ambitious, then it’s perfectly fine. However, for most people, this is the complete opposite of what makes a person attractive.

Many people start questioning how can someone not have dreams, ambitions, and visions about their future.

If you are the type of person who has a five-year plan, you will likely want to be with someone who is looking ahead as well.

Studies indicate that ambition is an indicator of motivation, responsibility, and capacity to deal with difficult situations, all of which make a partner not only attractive but also reliable.

8. Flakiness

There are few thinks that can kill attraction as quickly as a flaky person. Whether it is being late, canceling plans last minute, or just leaving someone hanging, it is a definite sign your time and your feelings are not that important to them.

Of course, it can simply be just a matter of poor time management, but if it goes on and on, it could signify broader issues with commitment. It can be a real test of patience to have to deal with this, and it can make even the smallest plans a source of stress.

Over time, you start questioning how much effort they are willing to put into the relationship and whether they are truly in for it the long haul.

9. One-Upping

Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist, says it can be a huge turn-off if your partner is always trying to one-up you — or anyone else, for that matter.

“We all have met them: the people who try to make themselves look better by pushing others down,” she says. “That’s because it tells you they have very low self-esteem, and to be able to love someone else, you need to love yourself first.”

This kind of behavior isn’t just frustrating but it can also be a sign of low self-esteem. When one feels the urge to one-up everyone else all the time, it makes it difficult to have a supportive conversations because these people turn everything into a competition.

One-upping can be subtle, too, like correcting you all the time, bragging about their accomplishments, or making every story about them. Being a deep, intimate relationship with someone when you are always competing with each other can be very difficult.

10. Sarcasm

Sarcasm can be a tricky thing in a relationship because it is often a cover-up for other issues and vulnerabilities. What can start as a fun teasing, can quickly become a tiresome thing, especially if it interferes with meaningful conversations or makes having an argument without tension almost impossible.

In a relationship, if one of the partners is constantly falling back on sarcasm when things get tough, it can lead to distance.

Sarcasm can also be a way of allowing criticism or frustration to escape without necessarily taking ownership of it. Though some may see it as clever and humorous, it can also come as hurtful to the other person.

A person who can honestly communicate their feelings, even when it’s hard, are way more attractive than those who hide themselves behind sarcasm or jabs.